Bees are amazing creatures. They are perhaps the most disturbing as well. Not only do they excrete a substance to build their homes, when the colony wants to create a new queen the bees start excreting “royal jelly” and begin feeding it to the larva until it becomes the queen. There’s something very disturbing about this. I think it has to do with the “excretion”. The fact that the substance comes from within their fragile bodies kind of grosses me out. I guess I should be more weary of having a kid, where excretions are plentiful. If someone asked me for advice before having a kid, I’d tell them to cover everything they own in plastic. That way, when it gets covered in “something” they can just wipe the plastic off, or replace it. Trust me, everything you own will get “something” on it. The “something” will come either from within their little bodies (see “excretion”) or it will come from an outside force like food. Or vaseline. Recently, I decided to give my son a head cold. It was not an intentional gift and one that if I could produce a receipt for, I would surely take back. As adults, most of us have the know how of tissue use. Here’s a quick primer:

  1. Hold the tissue on the nose.
  2. Blow air through your nose removing the snot into the tissue.
  3. Throw the tissue away.

A one year old has none of this knowledge. So instead of mucas being safely deposited into the trash or toilet where it belongs, its everywhere. A nice thick crispy layer coats many of my shirts as well as my wife’s. A toddler however will  not limit the snot to only what’s on the body he’s so desperately clinging to. Because he has no knowledge of tissues or how to use them, Jude will take his tiny hands and conitunely wipe them over his nose and mouth area. First off, this motion spreads the mucas around the mouth area creating a very nice scale like effect over the entirety of the face. Second, because the hands are coated in a thick, slightly tinted green substance, everything the toddler touches will be coated as well. I was looking at the coffee table this morning and noticed a small hard area. Looking closer,  the area of the table looked like the top view of a trail map for a national park. “GOO!” Then there’s poop. You would think that by wearing a diaper poop would stay in one place. This is true for as long as the diaper is on. Jude is a very curious boy. When he’s laying on his back while we change his diaper he wants to know whats going on. If we’re not quick enough, he will grab the diaper (no matter what it’s filled with) and pull it up toward him. In his defense, he wants to know whats going on. He doesn’t realize that he’s grabbing a bag of poop and pulling it toward his face,  smearing the shit all over his body while I yell “Oh GOD!! NO! NO! NO!” Worst. Day. Ever.

Note: poop exists as “poop” only within the diaper. Once it is even an inch out of the protective barrier, “poop” becomes “shit”. You can add an exclamation to “shit” if the poop (“shit”) is touching more than one body part (of any body preset). Example: “Shit!”

Puke. Puke is one of those things that smells like it looks: Absolutley disgusting. Disgust aside, the most amazing property of vomit is the sound. Before, during, and after the vomiting happens a symphony aids the already upsetting action. Usually it starts out with a gurgling sound coming from deep within the body. Sometimes though this sounds does not occur. When you do not hear the ominous warning gag, you will learn to hate surprises. Very quickly the sound will escalate and the only thing you think of is Campbell’s Chunky soup being poured down a PVC pipe and then literally splatting against the floor. Or the wall. Or the kid. Or you. I really wish kids were more like Honey Bees. I would be able to do so much with the disgusting excretions that come from them. Instead of building an intricate home for my family out of my sons puke, bookers and shit, I guess I’ll just throw it away. If this is to much “goo” for you, don’t worry. As parents we can’t seem to get enough of our children being sticky and messy. So, not only do we deal with all the bodily functions that come and go at their own will, WE GIVE THEM THINGS TO BE MESSY WITH! WE ARE MORONS. Just like everybody else, my wife and I start out with the best intentions. We think to ourselves, “Oh lets give him an Oreo, he’ll love it! It doesn’t matter that we’re in the car.” You’d think we would have learned after “The Gummy Incident” to not give Jude any food in the car. Maybe you’ve had a similar incident. Ours involved Jude chewing and chewing and chewing and eventually spitting gummy worms all over himself and then falling asleep. Like most of us in a similar situation, Jude woke up mad. I can’t blame him. I would honestly hate to wake up covered in a sticky substance. Keep that in mind, while I explain about Oreos. With any food you should be prepared to clean up a mess (See above). Oreos seem to be their own breed of messy. We were driving down the road and decided to open the freshly purchased blue package, the one we’ve all grown to love and be addicted to. Both my wife and I thought it would be a wonderful idea to give one to Jude, who was sitting quietly in the back seat. I’ll say it again.  WE ARE STUPID PARENTS! “Listen to him.” “He’s so happy.” I remember us saying as he murmured softly and munched. Then, I caught  Jude’s face in the rearview mirror. “The horror, the horror.”  I had no clue that an Oreo could be used as stage makeup. When I looked back, Jude had the perfect fake goatee wrapping around his smiling lips. I don’t think he ate the Oreo as much as he made it wet and then smeared it everywhere. A description just doesn’t do it justice. Thank god we live in an age where everything is “also a camera.”


If you believe yourself to be up to the task of child rearing, by all means please take a rain coat. Or, a better alternative would be to wrap yourself in plastic wrap (please leave a hole for your mouth). While being the parent of a small child has it’s gross factor, its something that you learn to live with. You can help yourself by muttering insistently that your kids will go to the bathroom on their own one day. They will learn to control an Oreo one day. And they will learn to control their internal goo. Until the day they stop excreting jellies and liquids and switch to breaking stuff instead, our children will provide us with enough entertainment and chores for a million lifetimes.

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