Really? a list

Perhaps you’ve noticed the trend of internet lists. They started out innocently enough:

  • 10 things you’re doing wrong at dinner
  • 5  times you wished you had a Furby
  • 25 movies to make you sick

Then over a six month period they ballooned:

  • 60 Star Wars facts you never knew
  • 85 things you learn in your thirties
  • 32 1/2 things only single people think about
  • 101 Dalmatians

Don’t get me wrong, I love wasting time reading these as much as the next person, at least the shorter ones. I can’t justify looking at a list of more than 25, unless I truly want to miss every waking moment with my family. The one aspect of these lists is the pure ridiculousness of some of them, especially when it comes to kids stuff. So, this week I bring you



“I chucked a slimy lotion water filled ballon at my son. It did not pop. But because of how small it was it did leave a giant purple welt on his head. Thanks for getting my kids taken away!”

“Kids love really small balloons for birthday parties right? Good, that’s far to o much air to expend into latex.”


Children always listen to signs on walls, right? They certainly don’t go into the bathroom and just start pulling on the toilet paper for no reason. I can almost picture myself chasing after my son saying “Ok Jude, only pull it to the pink area.” If he were ever to ask what happened if the TP fell below that area, I can picture myself telling him something terrible like “We all die.”


Other than launching a pencil at your kid after he writes his very first word (undoubtedly causing nerve damage and an enormous psychiatric bill) I  see no help from the rubber band. I always assumed a grip was a grip, unless they started making pencils extra slick.


 I can tell you right now that burning yourself on a sparkler is nowhere near the pain as when you take fifty sparkler, cut off the “sparkle”, put in a jar and then light it on fire. Sorry mom, now you know why my shirts seemed a little cripsy. If your’e too scared to have your kid play with a sparkler (assuming you can light the damn thing) you should just place your child in bubble wrap and pull him behind you.


There is a simple solution for this one. Squeeze out the water and wash the damn toy. I foresee the glue coming off in the bath and then floating in the tub for your kid to put in their mouth. If your dirty enough that you have mold growing in the toys, your kid is probably immune to whatever bacteria is present.


I awoke one morning and found Jude’s face covered in an odd brown dust. Upon further examination I saw that he had used his beaver teeth to keep himself occupied. The only thing I can find useful about the fleece covering above is the fact that it provides an extra layer for a baby to chew through before they eventually break out “Shawshank style.” Come to think of it, Jude does have a big goddman poster of Rita Hayworth in his cell….er… crib.


Really? I know you don’t want to spend time with your kid and there’s obvious gardening that needs to be done. I’m surpisered they don’t sell a mosquito net for these already. I’m sure someone got fired for not thinking of this ideas before it hit the DIY sites. Why not have your baby in the garden and grass with you? At least then he could explore his surroundings instead of learning to like a sedentary sterilized environment. If I was that woman I’d at least put him in better sight so I could see Mother nature laughing at him as a squirrel gets trapped in there with him.

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This is just mean to everybody. It’s mean to the kids because it will scare the shit out of them (further increasing the psychiatric bill you’ve started to amass). It’s mean to parents because we will forget we put it on the door. So when we go to open it we’ll scare the shit out of ourselves. Bravo.

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One word: Illegal. Also, I never received more than a quarter from the tooth fairy. Who can afford Five dollars a tooth in this economy?

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Lazy dads make great parents, right?

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If other parents are using the same internet I’m using everyday. I don’t want to learn from them. (See above)

Go with your gut. If you’ re to incompetent to listen to logic and be able to care for your children you should rethink your life.


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