My Balls Hurt

Friday the 9th of January 2015 at approximately 4:30pm, I smelled the flesh of my own testicles burning. I heard the sizzle of surgical cauterization. I saw thin layers of smoke rise from my nether regions and disperse into the air ducts. I felt no pain and no regret, honestly I was trying not to burst out laughing.
For more on the decision my wife and I came to (and yes, it was a joint decision) check out an earlier blog

Now about the laughing. I was prescribed 20mg of Valium. That’s a whole lot of relaxation. They gave me 2 pills to take an hour before I came in. I took 1. I took 1 and I felt like I was going insane. My brother in law has never been funnier than when he was standing in my kitchen looking at me. And I was perfectly relaxed as my wife, who is new to driving, drove us through heavy traffic and a glaring sunset. She did great! I wasn’t nervous at all. And the chairs in waiting room? Probably the most comfortable chairs I’ve ever sat in. In fact, they were so comfortable I fell right asleep after giggling to myself about something I can no longer remember.

The three Stages of valium ingestion. 

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After being jarred awake, I was taken to a room very similar to that of a probing station on a UFO. I expected to have to change into classic hospital attire but was informed that I only needed pull my pants down to my ankles and lay with my bare ass on the gourny. Looking up, large fluorescent lights the size of moons hung overhead. Clearly, this room was featured in a “how to” hospital video from the mid 80’s.

Just as I was getting comfortable, the doctor entered and Alaina left. I opted for the “no scalpel vasectomy”. It’s minimiy intrusive and will ensure that my boys won’t swim. No, I have no clue how it works. I’m not a doctor, just a patient.
While he was performing the operation I felt only two instances of pain. The first, was when he stuck a huge ass needle in my ball sack. If your a man reading this, you just cringed….yup it sucked. But I still didn’t care. Valium makes you ok with anything. I’m sure if he asked to slap me across the face a few times before he started I would have let him. The second instance of pain came about halfway through the procedure. I’m not sure what he did but it felt like he sack tapped me. I flinched. He apologized. “I’m sorry, that was a really bad doctor move” he said. Again, I shook it right off. Well not literally? With my vas deference sticking out of my scrotol sack the last thing I wanted to do was shake, or move at all.
The only real fear I had before having this done wasn’t one you’d expect. I didn’t fear the possible side effects or minor complications that could happen, one of them being that 2% of men having constant scrotal pain (for life).  I wasn’t afraid that i’d want more kids in a couple years. No, I was terrified that I would get an erection while he was working on me. Remember, my pants are around my ankles this entire time. Removing the vicinity I was in and the older male companion, it could have felt like I was back in high school hanging out after a date…I feel like that would have been really uncomfortable for both of us. Luckily, when my body goes through extreme moments of pain (even if I’m not feeling it) no erection. Men know though, sometimes…you just can’t help it.

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During

Anyway, the procedure itself did not take anymore than 20 minutes. After holding gauze to my sack as I pulled up my pants, I thanked the doctor. He did exactly what I wanted with minimal pain (at the time). I waited on the table for a few minutes for Alaina to join me and then we both walked back to the car, myself slowly shuffling.

There are various things that happen and have to be managed after a vasectomy. Firstly, you’re going to be coming down from a bunch of Valium. If you’re like me and not used to taking sedatives, this can feel as bad as the worst hangover you’ve ever had. Thankfully I was able to go home and essentially pass out (see below). I can’t speak for everybody, but I was still feeling the side effects from the valium the next day. I was in this odd fog where everything just made me really really tired. I mean everything.

The first piss I took post vasectomy was really awkward. I had to essentially hold myself up (coming down from valium remember, my balance was shit), hold the gauze on my balls and hope that urine made it into the toilet. I had a panic moment where I imagined the stitch in my sack coming undone and my tesyicles falling into the toilet. That visual made me hold my pee as long as I could the next day or so.

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After

If I could give one bit of advice: On the day after your procedure: DONT DO ANYTHING! My uncle is famous for going home after his vasectomy and shoveling snow. From what his wife tells me, he was stupid to do so and in a lot of pain the next day. Sidetrack, While getting ready for the procedure I read about a lot of men who said they never felt pain, just discomfort. I call bullshit on these men. There is no way ever the strongest of man goes and gets his testicles tickled with a hot poker and said he feels no pain. I am aware of the different degrees of pain that all men feel but to flat out deny this type of pain is to deny ourselves of who we are as men. Theres nothing wrong with feeling a little bit o’baby maker pain.  On the take home info sheet the dr gave me it said Day After:”NO SHOPPING”. I took that to mean like “Women be Shopping” No shpping. You know what I mean? I wasn’t about to be stopped by the pain in my groin. I insisted we get to the local Costco, there were diapers to buy and sample to…sample. Alaina of course did all the heavy lifting, partly because I really shouldn’t have been and partly because its funny to see a short person put a large box in a giant cart. Getting back to the car I realized what a giant mistake I had made. I shuffled almost all the way back and had to take a breather once back in the car.

The day after was no cake walk. Sundays are typically my busiest days for work. In the winter I tend to work between 12-15 hours depending on the weather. I started out very strong, I ended very weak. by the time I got home that night and was able to put my feet up, i think my balls had grown the size of the grinches heart after he discovered what christmas was all about.

The next week was filled with odd swelling on some days and no swelling on others. On the days there was swelling it felt like someone was softly kicking me in the nuts. This was definitely more of a discomfort than a pain.

I gladly have taken the pain and discomfort knowing that once everything heals there will be no chance of having another kid. Two is enough for us.

I’m almost two weeks post now, and i feel good. My balls have returned to their normal color, (i forgot to mention that they turned a very dark purple for a few days) and they feel good.

Yes, my balls feel good.

One thought on “My Balls Hurt

  1. Pingback: My Balls Hurt…Again  | The Awkward Father

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