Before you read this weeks blog, I’d like to take a minute to promote my Kickstarter. I am currently working on a childrens book entitled “Buckles the Snowman Goes to The Moon”. This book is a follow up to “Buckles the Snowman Wins his First Title.” These are books that I am using to promote literacy. I would be greatly honored (or humbled) if you could take a look at my Kickstarter Page. I would be eternally grateful if it was shared with every single person you know.
I am writing to inform you of your odd sleeping habits. I feel that it is my duty as your father to keep you up to date on some of the things you do while you are sleeping. My hope is that you are able to read this letter before computers become self-aware and enslave us sometime in the near future. I would print out a copy but you stole the printer cord again, so… One day, when you have children of your own, knowing your own bed habits will be important.
First off, let’s start with some terminology. Before carrying you upstairs, even though you are more than capable of taking the stairs yourself, you inform your mother and I that it is “nap time”. You will be wrong about so many things in life son and you are wrong about this. See, a nap consists of falling asleep for up to an hour and half during the middle of the day and feeling refreshed. Naps are for the privileged, the sick, the very young, and the very old. I am very jealous of your naps. If I could, I would steal them from you so I could enjoy them. No, you are not taking a nap. When 7:30PM rolls around you are more likely to be compared to being in a coma than taking a nap. I’ve never met any body who took a nap for 12 hours without afterwards dying of a pre diagnosed illness. Maybe you and your sister can meet halfway on the definition of sleep and let me and your mother know.
After laying you in bed I believe that it is absurd that you wish to be covered with so many animals. Granted, they are cute and cuddly. But honestly child, I should be able to see you when you’re lying in bed. All I see is an arm or a leg, maybe a small smile covered in the plush orgy of various stuffed creatures. I apologize for comparing your childhood comfort substitutes to such a sex act, but that’s honestly the best description my sick mind could come up with. With such a variety of arms, legs, tails and snouts you should be thankful I don’t compare your crib to that of a mass grave.
One last thing about the stuffed animals, the first time you held your Elmo out in front of you and said “kiss”, I thought it was very cute. Now that l’ve kissed Elmo more than I’ve kissed your mother, it’s time to call an end to it. No, my masculinity is not questioned by the fact that I kiss Elmo and Cookie Monster and the monkey and perhaps sometimes even Yukon Cornelius. One kiss is fine, it’s when you continue to hold up your animals like idols that I am to worship that I start to become a little disenchanted by the entire situation. But it makes you happy. While I don’t want to, I will continue to kiss any stuffed, cute, fluffy thing you place before me. If the act is truly a prerequisite to you sleeping all night, you got it!
During the week I come to bed roughly 5 to 6 hours after you. I don’t have a clue what happens to you in those hours but when I check in on you, you seem to have been possessed by the likes of the demons similar to those that inhabited Emily Rose. Thank god you’re not eating bugs. Usually, you are face down, ass up…and sometimes naked. I understand it gets hot in the summer. But right now it is winter and last night you were half-naked and shivering. If not naked or half-dressed on your face, you are pretzeled into the oddest positions imaginable. Professional contortionists would be jealous of the positions you assume while sleeping. I know exactly where this comes from, your mother. Since I’ve known her she has also taken to the act of practicing being in a wrestling hold while she sleeps.
Sometimes when I’m up at night and everyone else is asleep, I will hear odd sounds. First off, I will hear your sisters cry. Margot’s cry in the night resembles a cat sitting under a tin roof. A single “wahher” and then she’s back asleep. It seems to me that she wakes up, thinks she’s missing out on some great time, gets mad, falls back asleep. When you cry out in the night I am often perplexed by the sounds you make. Like your sister, you let out a single yell and then nothing. Last week I heard you yell out what sounded like “glopleeo”. Looking up toward your bedroom my response was, ” What the fuck?”
My all time favorite thing to hear though? When I’m lying in bed and I can hear a chorus of small snoring coming from you, your mother and Margot. There is nothing more funny and irritating than a plethora of snoring.
I don’t want you to think this letter is all negative. There are good aspects to life, although they may seem few and far between. You have been an incredible sleeper since you were 9 months old. The number of nights you don’t sleep can be counted on one hand and are usually caused by an illness. Those sleepless nights are nothing compared to what you’ll experience as an adult. Stress and worry can keep you from sleeping, it will be nice to have someone who also can’t sleep, to cuddle with. Your sister is finally starting to take your sleeping path. She may be a little behind when it comes to sleeping through the night, but we’ll get there.
I’d like to finish this letter with some pictures. The benefit of me being up past your bedtime is that I get to capture you sleeping in your odd ways. I’m hoping to show these same pictures to your future mate. If in the event that you discover how to fully remove these images from the Internet, I have made copies of them. Never underestimate the power of print media. And to be fair, I will include some of your sister.
Rest well young man,
For those of you who didn’t look in the beginning, heres the link again