The Bathroom Connoisseur

Some people subscribe to “Cigar Aficionado”. While others prefer the company of red wine and deep conversation. There are fans of architecture, foodies and the like. My son is a bathroom connoisseur. Lets put on our deepest NPR voices and a pair of spectacles to examine the bathrooms where he roams.

There are the bathrooms he frequents the most. His most royal of places being the “Home Throne.” But with our own, private, commode interest wavering, Jude feels the need to explore more, intriguing areas to go potty.

Meme’s or Nana’s potties don’t quite do the trick. Their areas are almost as familiar as his own. Even Pop’s bathroom has lost it’s luster. What Jude needs most is something to…strike his fancy. The perfect time to view and use is always the most inopportune time for his keepers (his parents). Jude will use trips to the grocery store, the gas station or even a highway pull off to make sure he examines the bathrooms fully. Sometimes, he may even decide to he has to “go” twice in order to have a full unobstructed look of the “Daddy” bathroom and the “Mommy” bathroom. For there is a turn order for which keeper takes him which time.

After a thorough examination, Jude will give a even more thorough report of his findings. Each bathroom can be classified two ways.

There are loud bathrooms which usually contain hand dryers. They are not limited to this however. Sometimes the presence of more then one toilet can determine the bathroom as “loud” even of there is no hand dryer. A potty with especially bold acoustics can almost always be classified as louder than a quiet bathroom (his words, not mine). Jude will often cover his ears as toilets flush and it brings back my own memories of being four and having my bladder stiffen, my urge to pee seamlessly dissolve when a bathroom was particularly busy or loud.

The quiet bathrooms never hold a hand dryer. They are beholden only to the paper towels thay hang under lock and key upon the walls. Like valiant strongholds of cleanliness, they beg for each and every tri-fold to become something Jude desires. Quiet bathrooms will most likely have 1 toilet and/or 1 urinal. Finding a urinal is a treasure hidden in a dark cave. They are to be used at every opportunity, even if a keeper must hold him up or balance him on their own shoes.

Sometimes a bathroom will be too much for our examiner though. Sure there are the things which give him a fun spook, the automatic sinks and paper towel dispensers being an example. Every time the water turns on or the barrel of towels turns Jude will let out a small playful “OOO!” as if he were surprised.  He wants to show us he’s having a playful scare, not a real one. Toilets that flush themselves are ones to be avoided at all costs. They can turn an enjoyable bathroom outing into a dismal hell for that boy. When he puts his hands under the sink, he knows water will come out.  The problem with auto toilets is that while being clean, they can flush at any time. And if you’re smaller than the adults that the sensors are built for, the toilets will flush loudly multiple times as you try to do your business. An auto toilet in a large, cavernous bathroom can and will lead to tears.

There is no amount of pee that will hold our noble examiner back. His bladder could drop a drip and he would still need to “go”. And as long as his keepers don’t mind (and don’t want him wetting his pants) our exceptional examiner will take in every single sight, sound, and smell of the rooms he loves the most.


Is there a certain room or a place that your toddler likes? Leave a comment below.

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